[Header Photo by Ron Szalata on Unsplash]

someone died today
and made my partner cry

i am afraid of dying
but more afraid of not living

not living like today
is the only today we have

how do we do this living
better than our fear of dying

and i slip into the arch of your foot
that i rub my thumb across

someone died today
and made my partner cry

i am afraid of dying
but more afraid of not living

sometimes i fear i am the frailest
sometimes i fear you are the frailest

i heard you talking in your sleep
did you feel me longing there

this is the best we can do
because this is the only us we can be

someone died today
and made my partner cry

i am afraid of dying
but more afraid of not living

i want to take your hand in mine
tell you i am sorry that i will die

i want to lie beside you in our bed
and do this night after night forever

because the shadows show us
where to turn to see the light

someone died today
and made my partner cry

i am afraid of dying
but more afraid of not living

—P.L. Thomas

[Header Photo by Антон Дмитриев on Unsplash]

There is only dance music in times of war

“100 Horses,” Geese

---

be careful
what you allow Them
to call War

Casualties
Collateral Damage
The Enemy

someone should take your hand darling
whisper softly in your ear

there is no DMZ
be careful
what you allow

those bullets are for us
those bullets are for everyone

there are landmines all around
the placement indiscriminate
the destruction is on purpose

and this callousness
is never ending
never ending

there is no DMZ
be careful
what you allow

—P.L. Thomas

And I will break my own heart
I will break my own heart from now on
“Taxes,” Geese

you have never
broken my heart

i trust you
will never break my heart

i did not sign up for this
cracked a fissure in my heart

•

like the summer
you went away with someone else

when i asked you
if i had been there

would it have hurt my feelings
and you said yes

•

you have never
broken my heart

i trust you
will never break my heart

i did not sign up for this
cracked a fissure in my heart

•

when i see my hand
i see my father’s hand

unsure if it is the veins
or the shape of the hand

it is the hand holding your foot
in relief again your skin

•

you have never
broken my heart

i trust you
will never break my heart

i did not sign up for this
cracked a fissure in my heart

•

(this hasn’t happened yet
but i know that it will)

i am listening to music you don’t like
on my noise canceling headphones

you are making your dinner
that i won’t eat

and then suddenly it seems
everything was exactly as it should have been

•

you have never
broken my heart

i trust you
will never break my heart

i did not sign up for this
cracked a fissure in my heart

—P.L. Thomas

[Header Photo by Brian McGowan on Unsplash]

once upon a time

there was a storyteller
who lost their way

something was wrong
with the crosshairs

every time they looked
down the scope

they saw only
a blurred gray void

—P.L. Thomas

[Header Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash]

“They can all/Just kiss off into the air”

“Hard to Find,” The National

---

Testament †

I bring you warm coffee in bed as ritual

Hoping you weren’t disturbed by my morning noises

I rub my beard over your bare shoulder

Before kissing you and you smile

I slip into memory: Your Tiger’s blood breath

Testament ††

The next thing I do

Will still be you

The only thing I will ever do

Will always be you

Some people just keep falling in love

Testament †††

A harmless swarm of honeybees

Carried on a cool October breeze

Sending my hand like a prayer to your knees

Underneath our warm pink sheets

Some people dream about their lover beside them

Testament ††††

We will never burn it down

We will never leave it all behind

We will never comb through our lost and found

We will never be careless and unkind

Our sacraments in these terabytes of love

Testament ††††

Are you proud of my new music crush?

Although it is another Brooklyn band

And I annoy you singing along

“Baby, let me wash your feet forever”

These land sharks of just you and me

Holding hands like this is the first time

Testament †††††

Who am I

To testify

Who am I

To crucify

Who am I

To sanctify

Who am I

To die

—P.L. Thomas

[Header Photo by Degaharu on Unsplash]

i did not come here

to take anything from you

i did not come here

to give you anything

but if there is something to share

i am here to stay

and even when you are gone

i will be patiently waiting

sitting alone on our staircase

because you took our only keys

—P.L. Thomas

[Header Photo by Viva Luna Studios on Unsplash]

“The pain, or the memory of pain, that here was literally sucked away by something nameless until only a void was left.”

2666, Roberto Belano

---

i didn’t tell you a lie

he said

i never told you a lie

but all she could think was

he didn’t say

i didn’t lie

he didn’t say

i never lied

•

she felt herself slip

into a semantic fever dream

and she couldn’t remember

him looking her in the eyes

•

where are the tarot cards

she asked

we burned them

he said

we burned them

she asked

we tore them up

he added

and then we burned them

•

she felt a sudden pang of remorse

tarot cards

she realized

were a lie

she could live with

•

don’t let go in oktober

she thought she heard him say

don’t let go in oktober

she repeated

don’t let go

—P.L. Thomas

[Header Photo by Zac Gudakov on Unsplash]

“And at once, I knew I was not magnificent”

“Halocene,” Bon Iver

i wake at 2:31 am
finding dried blood
crusted on my left earlobe

i slip stiffly from bed
and walk into our bathroom
looking in the mirror

i clean off the blood
as i often do recognizing
my father’s face in mine

i squeeze the lobe
hoping to stem the bleeding
while fighting the urge to cry

i worry that the tears
might also be blood
so i hold my breath instead

•

i see a single copper strand
of your hair swirled in the sink
and think of your vodka perfume

i smelled walking in your wake
down the apartment steps
when we were leaving together

i check the bleeding lobe
with you alone in our bed
turned away from me in the dark

•

i found my father once
covered in blood
lying on his bathroom floor

i knew he had held inside
the bleeding ulcer
until the truth had to come out

i release my lobe
to see my aging skin cracked
wet blood forming there still

•

i worry the bleeding
will never stop
until i am no longer here

i know some day too soon
i will no longer be here
like my father years ago gone

•

i return to bed after 3 am
with the bleeding stalled
worried about the pillowcase

i am too awake to sleep
wanting to touch you
to make sure this is real

i am heavy with my father’s face
i am drunk on your perfume
i want to be here forever

my partner is having a fling
this summer
with tomatoes

a red heirloom
we are sharing
is gradually disappearing
slice by slice
on the cutting board

this morning i ate a slice
on toasted Italian bread
with her homemade hummus
that tastes how i love her

i fell backward
into my childhood summers

when mom would slice
tomatoes warm from the garden
and serve with scrambled eggs

or we’d make tomato sandwiches
on Sunbeam thin slice white bread
coated in Duke’s mayonnaise

our cutting board
will be empty soon

or another tomato
will start to disappear
slice by slice

you cannot return to childhood
or freeze time
during a summer fling
with tomatoes

this is how we live,
this is how we die

—P.L. Thomas

[Header Photo by Alex Dukhanov on Unsplash]

i hate the rain
especially in summer

i hate the rain
especially in winter

i sit in the car
waiting in the parking lot

for a spring storm to pass
listening to songs about indiana

i hate the rain
but i love the promises

of all these showers
maybe we’ll survive this

we are mostly water
like the planet underneath us

in the summer rain covers
the sun and warmth we adore

in winter rain falls wet and cold
instead of the snow we adore

only small children love rain puddles
stomping with glee and wet feet

i hate the rain
and stepping over standing water

because i care more about shoes
than being carelessly happy

like a child

—P.L. Thomas